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Politically Correct version of The Night before Christmas

 
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mistux
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Joined: 25 Jun 2004
Posts: 1042
Location: South Bend, Indiana USA

PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 10:41 am    Post subject: Politically Correct version of The Night before Christmas Reply with quote

'Twas the night before Christmas, Santa's a wreck...
Trying to live in a world that's politically correct
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"
"Vertically Challenged" they called themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that looked quite stupid!

The runners were removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
Homeowners started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
His workers were upset by his pipe's second-hand smoke.
His fur trimmed red suit, at fun they would poke.

And another rendition of life's ebb and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in unpaid compensation.

Half his reindeer were gone, as was his wife
Who suddenly exclaimed she'd enough of this life
And joined a self-help group, then left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

As for the gifts, why, he'd never a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Meaning nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise
Nothing for "just girls". Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender-exclusive
Nothing warlike or too intrusive
No candy or sweets... bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of the psychological
Who claimed the best gift was something ecological.

No baseballs, no footballs...someone could get hurt
And these types of sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were sexist, and should be passé
Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry. He tried to be gay.
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp on the ground
Nothing acceptable to give could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people and every religion
Every ethnicity of every hue
Everyone, everywhere....yes, even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth."
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